


How to love the heartbreak

by noeone



Category: Golden Child (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:07:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26594965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noeone/pseuds/noeone
Summary: His finger tracing the paper, feeling the soft texture under his finger pad. He was looking intently at a photo that showed two young guys wearing baseball uniforms, standing in the sands, looking at the sky that turned fiery orange like a burning inferno.“We were happy, right?”
Relationships: Choi Sungyoon | Y/Lee Daeyeol
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	How to love the heartbreak

He sighed in frustration.

Mentally mocking himself at the fact that now, even after all this time, he couldn’t forget the memory from the photograph in his hand. Or to be precise, he couldn’t forget the memory of a certain boy who owned his heart. 

He wanted to erase it. 

He wanted to not think that guy was the sun, the orbit of his life.

But it was so hard to do.

He was already falling, far... so far away and beyond saving.

His finger tracing the paper, feeling the soft texture under his finger pad. He was looking intently at a photo that showed two young guys wearing baseball uniforms, standing in the sands, looking at the sky that turned fiery orange like a burning inferno. 

“We were happy, right?”

****

Minutes ticked by and Daeyeol couldn’t fall asleep. There was a heaviness in his heart. It weighed a ton, burdening and almost choking him. It was uncomfortable. 

04:44

The number that glowed from the digital clock on the nightstand beside the bed informed Daeyeol that it was late, that he needed to sleep even for a short amount of time or he would end up in the hospital. 

But Daeyeol knew, even if he forced himself to sleep, he couldn’t close his eyes for too long. The memories that replayed in his head on loop would haunt him. The hollowness that hung around his heart hovered like the ghost. He had the devil inside his head, the one that pushed him to the edge.

Also, he hated the fact that his bed was cold… and empty. 

Daeyeol slid out of bed, picking up the blanket that dropped on the floor before walking to the bathroom. He didn’t care with his awfully bed hair that looked like a bird nest. No one put any attention to it after all.

He stood in front of the big mirror. His eyes glued to the reflection of himself, wearing a shirt that he randomly picked from the drawer. It was bad. His entire condition was bad. His skin was sickly pale with dark circles hanging under his eyes.

He pulled his hair, desperate to make his head clear or he would succumb into something he didn't want to imagine. His vision had gone blurry with tears that felt like acid on his skin. 

“ _Why so hard?_ ” 

***

_Daeyeol looked over at the peacefully sleeping guy who fell asleep on the sofa. He curled up there, chest moving evenly as he was breathing._

_Slowly, as he didn’t want to wake up the other guy, Daeyeol put two paper bags on the coffee table before sinking down on the floor. His eyes never stopped staring. He took time to watch his lover._

_He carefully swept a strand of honey colored stray away from the face. He missed this, missed the time he could see Sungyoon in a close range without wrinkles decorating his forehead. A soft sigh escaping from that lips._

_Sungyoon looked so young and innocent. So pure._

_He looked like the first time Daeyeol knew him. When the things were so great back then. When they had just started going out. When they were still happily in love._

_“You’re here?” mumbled Sungyoon as his eyes flutter open. He woke up from his position, giving a space on the sofa for Daeyeol._

_“Yes” said Daeyeol. “I bring meals”_

_Sungyoon hummed. “Come here, hyung. Please.”_

_Daeyeol moved from his previous spot,_ _then settling on the couch beside Sungyoon._

_“Is it good?” asked Daeyeol, pointing at a film that was playing on the television. The one that Sungyoon was watching._

_“Don’t know”_

_The younger of the two leaned closer, nestling his head into Daeyeol’s neck, taking a whiff of the lingering scent of the cologne._

_Daeyeol tensed in his seat._

_When was the last time he sat down close to Sungyoon, having their skins brushed around each other?_

_“Are you tired, hyung?” Sungyoon asked, eyes staring straight to the forgotten film._

_Daeyeol didn’t like the question. It sounded like a trap, and he knew Sungyoon didn’t ask about his actual exhausted body. It was directed to their strained relationship._

_And Daeyeol wished he wasn’t, but he actually was. He didn't remember what it was like to not be tired._

_“I’m tired,” said Sungyoon again when Daeyeol didn't provide him with an answer._ _“We both are tired, right?”_

 _Daeyeol turned his head, his eyes met those mesmerizing orbs. He didn't know how to act in front of his lover._ _His stomach was churning and nauseous hit him like a truck. He felt weak at the moment._

_“We… are not working together anymore, are we?” Sungyoon’s voice sounded so airy, not as sweet as the one Daeyeol loved._

_Daeyeol’s breath got caught in his throat as the words rang in his ears. He shutted his eyes close,_ _trying to convince himself that it was just a bad dream that he could forget when he woke up in the morning. It was just a bad experience he could bury in the back of his mind and never dug it out again. But that_ _didn’t work out. Hardly anything worked out for them anymore._

_"What… what do you mean?"_

_A tired look was evident on Sungyoon's face._

_“We don’t talk like we used to do. I feel there’s a thick brick wall between us. We are drifting apart, hyung. Our relationship isn't working anymore.”_

_“Then… do you want to stop?” asked Daeyeol, the words pricked his heart. He was never feeling this hopeless._

_Sungyoon rested his hand on Daeyeol’s cheek. Daeyeol could feel his lover trembling in his spot. “Let’s end this. Let’s stop hurting each other. Let’s be happy”_

****

Daeyeol could remember the beginning. Vividly.

He and Sungyoon started out like such a sweet dream that soon turned into a harsh reality. 

The truth was, Daeyeol fell in love with Sungyoon at first sight.

Since he saw those beautiful orbs that captivated him, trapping his soul. Daeyeol knew he would fall hard when the shy guy recited his name slowly, looking like a scared lamb under his gaze. Daeyeol knew he had a crush on that younger guy from the time he smiled brightly, showing his adorable buck teeth to the world with a tint of pink hue adorning the cheeks.

Daeyeol really loved Sungyoon’s laugh. It was light, melodious. It always sent his heart skipped a few beats, drumming his rib cages in some sweet tune. 

Sungyoon was beautiful. 

Sungyoon looked beautiful every time, in every situation. His eyes glowing like the best marbles, shining under the moonlight. His sharp jawline could cut him till bleeding. His lips were red against his pale skin while his cheeks were so peachy. 

No one could resist his charm.

Daeyeol and Sungyoon were close. They spent their time together, grew up together. They had so much shared secrets that sometimes words became unnecessary. It’s been years since their first meeting, years of living together, and years of being each other’s company. They lived in harmony for years, like some old married couple. They once were the inseparable couple.

Sungyoon once became Daeyeol’s everything.

But now each memory about the man was killing him slowly. 

****

Daeyeol always questioned it.

Where did they go wrong?

What happened to their relationship till they felt exhausted to just stay close in each other's arms?

When did it all start falling apart?

When did it all go wrong to the point that they feel like they were strangers to each other?

Why did the morning kiss become a mandatory task rather than an enjoyable event?

Why did the conversation at dinner time have become less and less until almost no words were exchanged between them?

But, no matter how many times he asked the question, he couldn't get the answer. Asking Sungyoon also wouldn’t make any different. They were both clueless. 

It could be that their love was burdensome.

It could be that the spark that usually felt so hot and burning now actually died down slowly as the time ticking. 

They didn’t know exactly the reason behind their failing relationship. They didn’t know how to save it either. What they knew, they were hurting each other. They left many scars in each other's heart, wounding it again and again.

They were both the victim and the villain.

****

“Are you alright?"

Daeyeol got this question almost everyday from his surroundings and Daeyeol could only give the same answer 'I'm alright, don't worry' like a broken radio. Or when he was losing his word, he would nod or bid a smile.

His parents also sometimes asked how his life was going and he barely had an answer for them. Actually not only the people who asked that question. He also had asked this to himself a thousand times over and still came up blank. He wondered if he was okay.. 

He did his best to trick his mind.

He did his best to mask his feelings.

He did his best to stay normal, to stay bright. Fooling himself that everything was going to go smoothly.

“Are you sure you’re alright, hyung?” asked Seungmin, looking so concerned. “You didn’t look good.”

“I’m okay, just didn’t sleep well”

Daeyeol could see Seungmin didn’t believe his blatant lie. The younger one was quite insightful. And the bags under Daeyeol’s eyes were bad enough and hard to cover with concealer. 

“Where’s Jangjun? I thought you would come with him” Daeyeol tried to change the topic. Seungmin was inviting him to hang out after a while. 

“Oh, he is going somewhere with Sungyoon hyung.”

Daeyeol nodded. 

Sungyoon and his circle were practically the same. His friends were Sungyoon’s. He knew that his broken relationship with Sungyoon would make things different. 

And he was so grateful no one left him behind, or Sungyoon. He was thankful his friends tried their best to fill the hole and make them not lonely. 

“I hope he takes a good care of Sungyoon”

_Because I can’t take care of him anymore._

***

Daeyeol couldn't bear the memory that replayed in his head when the soft pitter-patter of rain hit the chilled glass of the bedroom window. The place that previously he thought as a safe haven now became the dangerous territory he didn't want to step into.

Each room, each part, each corner, and every damn detail reminded him of Sungyoon. The kitchen which was always filled with the scent of their favourite coffee grounds. The bathroom counter where they placed their pairing set of toothbrushes. The closet that was once full of their matching clothes. The sofa in the living room, where they spent their leisure cuddling in each other's arms. 

The bed… the bed was the place that Daeyeol hated the most. It felt awfully empty. The space felt vacant to him. So cold without another body to hug him warmly.

_He missed Sungyoon._

***

Time heals all wounds or so Daeyeol has been told.

But he knew that it was bullshit.

It never got better. The wounds were still there, still remain the same, still bleeding profusely. It refused to scar over. 

Didn’t matter what method he used to close the wound, Daeyeol failed miserably. He was weak. He couldn’t keep up with everything.

The separation pained him. He was unhappy. His chest ached so much, unbearable. 

***

"Sungyoon"

As if in response to his word, the whole room was silent. Like the magic spell was casted around them.

Daeyeol tightened his hand around his pants. He was sweating.

The silence was deafening. 

Daeyeol let go of his breath, shaky breath he had been holding for too long. 

"I'm sorry, Sungyoon," said Daeyeol, working so hard to make his voice stable. "I wish you to be happy."

Daeyeol smiled, although the curled of his lips never reached his eyes. 

Daeyeol held Sungyoon's hand -the soft hand he missed so much, the hand that caressed his back when he was breaking down, the hand that patted his shoulder to say he was doing well-

"Thank you, hyung." 

The bunny guy said, so soft, so velvety.

"I wish you to be happy too, hyung"

Daeyeol nodded, despite his heart wanting to scream as the desperation crawled, clouding his head. It felt like someone was stepping on his throat, making his breathing uncontrollable.

 _But my happiness was you. Had been, is and will be_ **_you_ ** _._

_Always you._

***

Daeyeol threw it.

Threw the picture he treasured so much.

It was the time to admit that he lost Sungyoon. He let the younger man escape from his hold.

He was sitting on a cliff, watching the waves come and go, crashing hard into the rocks, splashing everywhere, wetting Daeyeol’s clothes. The seagulls flew near Daeyeol, flying beautifully as if they’re dancing, which made Daeyeol’s lips curved upward. 

He came back to the same beach he visited with Sungyoon. 

He wanted to make amends with himself. 

“It's hurt,” mumbled Daeyeol as he put off his shoes. He felt rough rocks massaging his feet. The salty water splashed into his face. 

He breathed the fresh air, letting himself get washed over by the smell of saltwater. He was savoring this moment in silence before jumping into the ocean without any hesitation. His body drowned deeply, becoming one with the waves. 

Although it was dark and hard to breathe as the coldness of water wrapped his body, numbing all of his senses, he felt safe.

The chilly water was allowing him to feel nothing, allowing him to mourn then forget everything.

He was satisfied now.

He threw everything out - the memory, the feeling, the pain.

****

_How can I love the heartbreak when the one I love is you?_

**Author's Note:**

> it's been a while since I write, so I know it will be lack.  
> im sorry if the story kinda depressing.  
> i hope you enjoy it!


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